[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
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Aisle 3: oh my god hi!
Aisle 5: haha hi
Aisle 9: yeah hello…
Aisle 10: [little smile]
Aisle 13: I swear to god I will cut you if I see your face again-Death spiral of a friendship when you keep running into them at Target
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
how much would it cost?
“the guy who does our estimates isn’t here right now”
around what time will he be back?
“did you not just hear me?”
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
We arrived at our holiday cottage which is near several other holiday cottages and within 5 minutes a lady from another cottage came to say hi and chatted for a while and now we have to leave the holiday cottage and stay in the woods where no other people will ever find us
This is so me 😂😂
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
public bathrooms: wash your hands
also public bathrooms: here’s a microgram of soap, 2 seconds of water, and an inch of paper towel– good luck to ya!
wanton disregard: extreme lack of care for the well-being or rights of another individual
wonton disregard: using wontons as the target at a shooting range
Me: Hi! I’m here to enter the eye rolling category.
International Olympic Committee: *collectively make a face*
Me: Yep. That’s the one.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
I never eat coins in front of vending machines because I don’t want them to fall in love with me.
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
“I want you inside me,” I say to my husband while staring at the chocolate cake behind him on the counter.
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?