Karate classes…
Because breaking boards on your head is all cool and shit if a House ever starts attacking you.
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me: do you want more breakfast
6: no im full i have a small tummy
me: ok that’s fine you can-
6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-
me: I SAID you can go now thanks
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
[zoo]
Kid: monkeys are dumb. Why do they keep throwing poop at each other?Me:*on my phone, leaving angry Facebook comments* I know, right?
1. Pick jeans to wear
2. Pull them up to thighs
3. Pants dance for 3 minutes
4. Take pants off
5. Put sweatpants on
6. Cry, eat pumpkin pie
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.
What idiot called her a Hot Indian Girl and not a Bomb Bae
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
cabbage patches are bullshit
i gave up cabbage easily without them
ACED my prostate exam!
*sadly removes MY KID IS AN HONOR STUDENT bumper sticker and replaces it with MY KID SUCKS AT FORTNITE*
2022: I can fix it
Dog shampoo was on sale & cheaper than my normal shampoo so it looks like I’m going to have a shiny, healthy coat for the next few weeks.
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
My kid doesn’t hear me when I ask her to clean her room but when I curse under my breath from three rooms away with a closed door she yells, “Mom said a bad word!!!”
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
I quit cold turkey. I just reheat it now.
If someone at my funeral is like “he loved everyone” i just want you to know, I didn’t
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
Not to brag, but my tweets are enjoyed by well over 3 people worldwide.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Parenting:
1st kid: Document their every move
2nd kid: forget to pick them up 99% of the time
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.