[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
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Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
Kid: hey, maybe we can do
something fun soon.*My kid, after a summer filled
with playdates, pools, beaches,
farms, friends, family, bike riding,
playgrounds, fishing, cottage, ATV,
sleep overs, and his birthday.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
[Fortnite with 9]
9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?
Me: Sure, why?
9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
Me: goodnight son I love you.
3yo:
Me: I said I love you.
3yo: I love milk.
Me: okay. *unplugs nightlight*
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR HUSBANDS TOLD TO DO LAUNDRY:
1.Know when to hold em
2.Know when to fold em
3.Know when to walk away
4.Know when to run
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[outside a blazing house]
Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.