karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
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*hands cashier $100 bill
“Ya have anything smaller?”
*crumbles up $100 bill and hands it to cashier
For a final ironic twist, I’ve left instructions to bury me in activewear.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
Alexa, make out with the Roomba
[ouija board]
“helo??”
ＹＯＵＲ… ＳＰＩＲＩＴ…
“shh its working”
ＷＩＬＬ… ＡＰＰＥＡＲ…
“omg”
ＡＦＴＥＲ… ＴＨＩＳ… ＡＤ…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
[crime scene]
Detective: Not only has the victim been decapitated the head is nowhere to be found.
Praying Mantis: *burps*
I found him like that. I swear.Detective *narrows eyes suspiciously * Put this down as a possible sex crime.
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
I forgot the word for donut so I said cop bagel
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I thought my 1-year-old had hints of red in her hair like me. Turned out she had dried-up sweet potato in her hair…also like me.
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
-Marital tech support, how can I help you?
-I’ve lost my connection to my wife.
-Have you tried turning her off and back on?
-I did the first part.
“Amen and dig in” is a perfectly acceptable way to end a prayer at the potluck because honestly nobody is even listening when there’s food involved.
The monocle was popular in the 1800’s because ears hadn’t been invented yet.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
I understand the beautiful part, Cover Girl. But isn’t “easy breezy” just another way to say “slutty and flatulent?”
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.