karate instructor: hiyah
me: hello
You Might Also Like
[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
It’s possible to eat 7 and a half Tillamook cheese snack portions before you feel sick. Someone had to find out for the rest of you.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
I’m no psychic, but I can tell you that your kid is never going to finish that half-eaten cup of ice cream you put in the freezer.
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
I stepped in a tiny pothole full of water that went up to me knee in front of two really cute construction workers and then waved and said thank you. Why am I like this
I never give money to those Salvation Army people because I know they’re just gonna spend it on more bells.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
Here’s one of the dumbest thoughts I’ve ever had: I got a coupon for a new car wash place, which was great because my car was really dirty. I noticed that the address was close to my house and thought: “Oh, this is close. Maybe I can just walk?”
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
[first date]
her: what did you study in college
me: (wearing ski mask) burgling
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.