Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*

EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.

i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul

I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter

No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh

her: I like my men strong

me: *lifts-*

her: but sensitive

me: *-a puppy*

Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.

What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?

No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.

Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.

what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????

Me: Do you like children?

Him: Yes, I love them.

Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.

Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.

Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay

[at bank]
*slides teller a note*

Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*

barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach

[Robot Uprising]

Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822

burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”

Husband confiscated my credit card last week. The news just said that Amazon stock is down.

THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.

11: how large is Scotland Yard?

Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…

11: never mind, I will ask google.

I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN

Funny that Lebron couldn’t even finish a game due to cramps when RoboCop saved all of Detroit without even having his own legs

When a dish comes out of the dishwasher still dirty, I just put it back in for another round, because I believe in second chances.

*walks up to fountain*
*throws in a shiny penny*
*crosses fingers*
*makes wish*
*looks over at mother-in-law*
*does throat slash motion*

One of my students looked at me this morning and said I must have had a rough morning so if your feelings are easily hurt teaching might not be for you

This cat poop tastes like I’m about to get yelled at.

— Dogs

Everyone sings “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You” to their selfies, right guys? Guys?…

Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.

David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.

Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-

DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”

Click on account

Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girl

Me: Okay, I can work with this.

Coworker: You look tired.
Me: Apparently I also look approachable but I’m really not.

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.