Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
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A LOT of men have told me “if neither of us is married by the time we’re 40…” and let me tell you, I’m just over one year away from cashing in big time
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
Always the camel, never the toe.
He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
Do you rake up your leaves or do you wait until the wind blows them all over into neighbor’s yard like a normal person?
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
The worst thing about admitting you’re an alcoholic is that people will expect you to stop drinking.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.
DAMMIT!
-me, trying to put my hand in a fake pocket for the 80th time today
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
murdering your brother and then responding “i don’t know. am i my brother’s keeper?” when god, creator of the universe, asks where your brother is because He lost track of one of the four people on earth is just. wow, they don’t make characters like that anymore.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
If you’ve committed to pulling a door handle that says push in front of people you have to rip the handle off. You can’t let a door own you.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
[book store]
ME: *dumps pile of misshapen swans on counter*
CLERK: What is that?
ME: “Origami for Dummies.” I want to return it.
Them: Your body is your friend.
Me: Friends don’t wake you up at 4am.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
How do German people not choke to death when they talk
Guys who resent their friends for not sharing their hair products are gel less.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*