Karate Kid taught an entire generation that there is nothing that dedication, perseverance, and an illegal kick to the face can’t solve
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People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
garage sales are a great place to find extra stuff for you to throw away when you move
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
Little kid *stubbing toe*: Gosh dang it!
[heaven]
Gosh: Why is it only kids get my name right?
Jeez Louise: Tell me about it.
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
Elon Musk Unveils Plan To Put A Meme On The Moon By 2022
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
Monkeypox is sexually transmitted, making me absolutely immune.
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger
tger: give it back
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Her: why are you covered in egg
Me: I got into a fight
Her: did you win?
Me: yes It was over, easy
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
You don’t scare me, you’re not a group of middle schoolers I have to walk past
When does CPR become necrophilia?
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.