[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
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I’ve updated my will…
“Being of sound mind, I spent it all.”
Went to back to school night and saw a poem my daughter wrote and she said our house was clean so now she gets cupcakes for dinner.
Maybe, just maybe, passwords wouldn’t be so insecure if we weren’t always asking them to change.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Me *Happily comes home from the hairdresser with fresh highlights and cut.
Bf: So what did they do to it?
a girl in the coffee shop i’m working from has just said to her friend ‘imagine a hot veg smoothie’ and i’m wondering how to break it to her that soup exists
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
‘I don’t think I’ve ever been this hungry before’
–Me, every 45 minutes
My toddler begged to go swimming and then threw a tantrum because she didn’t want to get wet in case you were on the fence about having kids
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
First date:
[ok, don’t let her know you’re a cop]Her: do you come here often?
Me: *shoots unarmed black teen*
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
*plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth* are you theriouthly breaking up wiff me??
Doctor: do you exercise?
Me: oh yeah I do all of them, the push-offs, plonks
Doctor:
Me: cronchies
Doctor: I’m gonna put no
Me: ok
as a non-catholic, i gotta say, christmas mass is a WILD ROLLER COASTER RIDE, sometimes the priest sing-talks in a muppet voice, sometimes everyone kneels except you, they do the secret club criss cross applesauce thing, a SURPRISE BELL rings sometimes, twists and turns abound
Went to get coffee for a coworker.
I effed up the order, but used it as a teaching opportunity to illustrate the dangers of outsourcing.