Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
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absolute chaos
Tom drives smooth: Tom Cruise
Tom hasn’t left yet: Tom Waits
Tom taking low road: Tom Petty
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
chips are basically like “do you want to eat a potato one page at a time”
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
What’s so funny?
Fashion designers: What do you want?
Me: something that hides my belly fat, shows off my curves and something even an 80 year old would find comfortable
Fashion designers: we don’t do magic
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
hitman: clearly you can’t afford my rates so i’m referring you over to my partner
hit or missman: i guarantee that i will either kill the target or get you sent directly to jail
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
$120 for a tire rotation? trust me they rotate. buddy how do you think i got here
Its a hippotatomus
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
A girl named Ruth quit working at our office. I’ve been referring to the office as “ruthless” since then. People are pissed.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
If I was ever asked to be a cheerleader I’d jump at the chants.
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: I think our son is feeling ostrichsized
Wife: Don’t you mean ostracized?
*son enters, feathered, elongated neck and legs*
Me: No
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.