Karen is on the list for 2019 hurricane names. Managers all along the east coast are nervous.
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Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
therapist: if you wanna be sad, be sad
me: I cannot stress how far ahead of you I am on this one
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Doctor. When I touch myself here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. And when I touch here it hurts. It feels like everything hurts!
Doctor: is your finger broken?
No, I don’t think so….
Dr: In than case you’re just over 35. Take some advil. Good luck.
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Little does this young woman in the house behind mine who just closed the curtains know that it was the curtains I was looking at.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
a little girl walked up to me at the grocery store calling me “mommy” and her dad came up behind her and said “no she’s at home why am i not enough” LMAOOOOOOOO
the worst part of the robot uprising will be the constant software updates
Friend: I’m so tired of remakes and reboots and sequels! Make something original!
Me: Don’t you write Transformers fan fiction?
Friend: It’s GoBots fan fiction, and shut up.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“Cuz im going too fast?”
Cop: Yes, slow down.
“But it’s been 6 months-”
Cop: U can’t move in with her yet.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
When you’re too stoned to be in a meeting and someone asks your opinion just say “well it’s a numbers game” and watch everyone nod in agreement
Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
HI I’M GOING TO HAVE AN UNCOMFORTABLY LOUD YET PRIVATE PHONE CALL ON THIS BUS AND EXHIBIT A STUNNING LACK OF SELF-AWARENESS. THANK YOU.
Not to brag, but I can run pretty fast with a tv in my hands.