Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
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My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
i hate “oomf” because i do not read it as “one of my followers” i read it as mario taking damage in mario 64
3 : Daddy, can we watch Frozen?
Me : Sorry, darling. We can’t watch Frozen in the summer because all the characters will melt.
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Do assassins for hire offer holiday discounts? Comparison shopping seems a bit risky.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
I was just trying on the floral romper for fun but then the sales associate asked if my daughter was my sister and now I’m out $140.
My wife got mad at me for buying the family size pack of oreos for just the two of us and I was like are we or are we not a family
*tightens straps on electric chair*
Any last words?
-I think male oysters should be called boysters
Omg will someone throw the damn switch
Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
AMERICA, EVERY WEEKEND: I just wanna Netflix and Chill lol.
THE WEEKEND EVERYONE NEEDS TO STAY INSIDE: It’s my God-given right to go outside and lick whatever I want.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“Mommy never mind I’ll ask you later when you’re not scooping the phone out of the toilet.”
– My current favorite child
My son’s doing a report on the Cold War and asking what ended it. “I’ve got that answer right here,” I say. *starts Rocky IV dvd*
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
@Lottie_Poppie I’m at my ideal weight. If I was a baby blue whale
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My family wanted a Disney experience so I charged them $150 to stand in a line for three hours before taking our daughter to the bathroom.
I can take 15 years off my appearance by stealing your glasses.
The pasta is now
There are 2 kinds of people in this world:
1. People who aren’t good with numbers
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
Every haunted house movie:
Cop: you failed to obey the stop sign
Me: I got lost in the music
C: what song?
M: I’d rather not say
C: what song?!?
M: I saw the sign
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
“You never forget how to ride a bike” sounds like a dare to me.