Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
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“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
“I am a gift to this earth.”
[Earth regifts me]
“I am a gift to KELT-1b of the Andromeda Galaxy”
80’s rap was like being in 5th grade and trying to find words that rhymed with “hat.”
My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.
“HI DO YOU WANT TO DRESS UP NICE SO WE CAN QUEUE OUTSIDE A CLUB & GET INSIDE & QUEUE UP TO BUY A DRINK & THEN QUEUE UP TO GO TO THE TOILET?”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
6: can i have ice cream?
Me: ur room clean?
6: if I clean it can I have ice cream?
M: sure
6:*looks at room* thats ok I dont need ice cream
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
[restaurant]
ME: this chicken fried steak is terrible
WAITER: that’s probably because it was fried by a chicken
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
My dog walking company has terrible reviews and I’m being sued.
My garage full of dogs is totally worth it.
I’m not stressed
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
First dates are weird when you go and see a film. you spend two hours sitting and not talking, its like you have skipped straight to marriage
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
Me: I feel like we haven’t talked much lately. Why don’t we talk more often?
My husband: We can talk and fold laundry together later if you want.
Me: …
Him: …
Me: “I don’t want to talk to you” takes so much less time to say.
Him: How have you lived this long?
SEA LION 1: “More like shark *weak* amirite?”
SEA LION 2: “Hahaha”
SHARK: “Hey guys, what ya watching?”
[Sea lions jump onto ceiling fan]
I enjoy a good short stor
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
Just lean back in your chair and say “caloric”. It’s exhilerating.
My wife apparently was serious about the whole “even if you were the last man on earth” thing.
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
I get all my cardio the old fashioned way; by running from my problems.
Not today.. 😂
I got Chinese takeout for the family and used tweezers to see which cookie had the best fortune so I could take it. Because sometimes fate needs to be steered.