Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
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If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
Ah yes. My husband and I in our natural habitat.
Lying in bed on our phones whilst blowing pet hair off our screens.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
All I need to know about you is defined by whether you ask for a cup or a cone when ordering ice cream
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning
Quick! Does anyone know how I can get red wine off of my date’s white cat?!
Those who carry teensy cute purses shouldn’t throw stones at those who wear cargo shorts, because I can carry more stones.
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
medium: so you want to contact your wife
wife: *muffled* open the door
me: sometimes I can still hear her voice
wife: *through the window* I forgot my keys
me: it’s like she’s here watching over me
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I’m totally against race mixing–I mean how can these horses seriously compete in NASCAR
do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
me: i’m really glad we met, i feel like I can completely be myself around u. u had me at hello
kidnapper: pls stop talking
[restaurant]
ME: Bottle of shiraz pls. It’s my birthday
WAITER: Your birthday? It’s on the house
ME: [looking up] Do you have a ladder or
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
inventing words: clothing
My Indian name is dances without coordination.
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.