KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
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I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Lmao I love the recipe blogger parents who are like “I’m just like you! I hardly
Have time on weeknights! Here is a little ditty I make when we are SUPER busy running between activities” and it starts out “first, spatchcock a whole chicken.”
Don’t believe what others say about you, they know nothing. For example, in 4th grade my teacher said I was going to grow up and be successful and she was wrong on both accounts
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
“Hardly ever used. Ex husband was busy riding other things.” 👀
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Establish dominance by shaking your spouse’s hand when they go in for a kiss.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
The bank refused to approve my loan without collateral so I reached into my purse and pulled out three avocados.
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
instead of using the same password everywhere, i use multiple different variations of the same password where i change one letter or add one number and so on. this is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being able to get logged into by me
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.