Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.
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You can break your toddler’s heart or you can explain that the dinosaur exhibit at the zoo is closed for cleaning. Choose wisely
Track coach: run like the wind!
Dude from Oklahoma: *spins*
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
detective: what happened?
librarian: a guy stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
detective: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I used her Bourbon and Brown Sugar facial scrub on the Turkey.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
I asked my brothers why they’re getting two separate ps5s when they live in the same house and can share, and they told me to go share my phone with my mum😑
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
The strangers on this cruise are getting really sick of me eavesdropping and interrupting with “I’m in the same boat.”
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
There’s just something about my posture after sitting in front of a computer for hours, a certain je ne sais quasimodo
When the chicken shop gives you chicken instead of change?
I guess it’s legal tender.
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
doctor: your wife’s gone into labor
husband: oh no, I hate unions
did it work
WAITER: Would you like the usual, Mr Smith?
MR SMITH: *all smugly* Do birds fly?
*Penguin at the next table slams down his menu*
[first day as a negotiator]
me: ok
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
I experienced a potato famine once; it was the longest night of my life.
Narrator: Ursula ran out of vodka.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”