Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
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My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Spending so much time together is reviving old grievances. my husband has new questions about the time I burned a large hole in his favorite pillow with the iron
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
Basically, my plan is to have a gender reveal party and shoot someone in the face with a potato cannon. No, I’m not pregnant.
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
[girl interrupting my sexting] please eat the potato salad with your mouth closed
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
INTERVIEWER: thank u, those are all my questions. do u hav any questions for us
ME: yes…why do i want this job
INTERVIEWER: [starts sweatig]
Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.
Took my daughter and her best friend to dinner and a show with endless snacks and sodas but we didn’t get ice cream afterwards so naturally this night will forever be known as “that night you didn’t get us ice cream.”
To combat the sibling rivalry that’s been occurring at home, we’ve been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they’re just taking it outside.
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
any site can be a dating site if you use it incorrectly
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
I parallel parked perfectly in front of my boys and now they think I’m possessed.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
How does a farmer find new cows to buy?
He looks through the cattlelog.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.