@js_jacques

Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

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@Beer_Blonde_

A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.

@Auzzie78

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

@markedly

Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing

@amishschool

Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.

@ojedge

🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”

@tpurvis06

If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…

@nocturnallyme

Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.

@krishna_van

I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.

@DairylandDon

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.