Keanu Reeves, sure, but then Keanu comes back a rittle bit rater.

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A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…

I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.


Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.


Now I’m no fresh daisy, I’ve been around the block, but what is kissing


Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.


🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!

“Sir, place ur order or hang up”


If men had periods our commercials would be awesome…


Cereal. Check.

Milk. Check.

Bread. Check.

Fruit. Check.

Salad. Check.

Wow, the looks I am getting! Guess I could have paid w/ 1 check.


I AM THE MAN OF THIS HOUSE AND WHAT I SAY GOES in one ear and out the other.


Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.