Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
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Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
FRIEND: our kids are away with their grandparents so I’m taking my wife out tonight
ME: oh wow, like with an assassin or are you gonna do it yourself?
FRIEND: um, like…to dinner
ME: cool, cool
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
*6 holding a 5 hour energy*
“Look at this teeny juice! It didn’t taste good at first but I finished it!”
Go ahead, have kids.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that no two people have the same interpretation of the words “We need to leave in ten minutes.”
[sees date shivering]
me: here, take my jacket
her: aw thanks
me: also, take my shirt
her: oh, u don’t have to-
me: [unbuttons pants]
cell phones have two brightness settings: “dim” and “the messiah is back”
First airplane parts store: The customer is always Wright
Not now, kids.
Daddy’s pretending to be a woman on the Internet
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
Sometimes I think about the time my four year old told me she ate fruit at school and when I asked her what kind she said flamangos.
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Local fire department burns down all the houses as a preventative measure.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
me: alexa, play that song by the ting tings
siri: THAT’S NOT MY NAME
Co-worker small talk at work today: How was your weekend?
Me: Don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it don’t say it
Not long enough ahhh haha ha
[text from friend)
Her: You doing okay?
Me: Yeah I guess. Why, what have you heard?
Bruce Willis is talking to a parrot. “I’m Bruce Willis” he says. The parrot repeats it. “yeah right” Bruce says, but is secretly worried
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
Dad: Tall latte
Barista: Sure thing. Can I get a name?
Dad: What your parents didn’t give you one?
*all the other dad’s give him high fives*
“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that