Keanu Reeves watching a Keanu Reeves movie trying to figure out how he’s in two places at once.
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Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: big day today
Brain: we’re ready
Me: yep
Brain: not like last time
Me: what
Brain: when you wrote ‘gren’ on the colors test
Me: I was 5
Brain: don’t blow it today
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Oh, you hate leftovers? Maybe you should’ve thought of that last night when I cooked a big meal and you were “not that hungry.”
Current mood: Potato
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
Catch Pokemon?
No thanks. I’m STD- Free.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Don’t think of it as a garlic knot binge, think of it as a vampire prevention plan.
Wife: no bird puns this year at Thanksgiving
Me: fine but I get to do some now.
Wife: owl allow it.
Me: wait-what are you doing?
Wife: toucan play this game.
Me: I don’t like this.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
[ riding into battle ]
YOU GUYS BETTER NOT HURT MY HORSEY
Nobody likes the girl who brings the acoustic guitar guy to the party.
my professor scared me for a second
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.