Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
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I pulled a muscle turning over in bed. Cause that’s how I roll.
People often say things in the heat of anger that in hindsight they regret not accompanying with a punch in the face.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
HIM: [awkwardly] wanna go see a movie?
HER: sure, sounds great.
[next day]
HIM: could i maybe come with you next time?
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
[expensive restaurant date]
me: waiter, the William please
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
*winning a goldfish at a carnival*
I shall take my small prisoner and be on my way.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
What woman say right before they kill you:
Wow.
Fine.
Whatever.
No problem.
I’m not mad.
Nothing’s wrong.
Sure, stay friends with your ex.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
i hope i didn’t end up marrying the smelly kid in school like my husband did
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Gold fish don’t like being pulled out of their tank for a cuddle.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
Name another movie that mislead you?
My date telling me that I reminded her of her father would have made me feel much less uncomfortable at dinner than it did the next morning.