Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
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me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
my red blood cells watching me pick open a scab that they spent hours making
Buddhist monks often spend decades searching for nirvana but that’s only because they don’t know how to block someone.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
[1983]
FRIEND: Let’s play monsters! I’ll be a werewolf, and you lock me in the closet because it’s a full moon. Don’t let me out!
ME: Hahaha, cool!
[just now]
ME: OH SHIT BILLY
If my milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, I’m handing them rakes.
“What if you fell down a mountainside but on purpose?” -the invention of skiing
TV INTERVIEWER: As if the wedding wasn’t surprising enough, you then eschew the tradition of one spouse taking the other’s name. Instead, you chose to combine your surnames. Any regrets?
BENEDICT AND ENGELBERT CUMBERBUMPERDINCK: Absolutely not
HER: can I take a quick peek at your privates?
SERGEANT: *looks into barracks* ok but most of them are asleep
9yo: My least favorite letter is “c” because it’s not fair that it can be an “s” or “k” sound.
Me:
9yo:
Me: Can I go back to sleep now?
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I asked my magic 8 ball about my romantic future and it said “I hope you like cats.”
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
“Daddy, how do you get the snow off” my helpless six year old shouts as she’s outside in a snowsuit playing…in the snow…and it’s snowing
[watching The Notebook]
Her: Noah wrote Allie a letter every day for a year
Me: I bet each one just said, Hey
My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
#Caturday
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
RRH: Grandma, what big eyes you have. And what big ears you have. And what big TEETH you have!
Grandma: You’re my least favorite grandchild