Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
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“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Welcome to homeschooling. Your house has 847 pencils in it, yet your child can never find one.
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
We’ve got people working on world peace, and I’m here wondering how I can swipe a piece of my patient’s chocolate without her noticing.
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
*finally detangles ear buds
*plane lands
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
3: I know what’s keeping me awake
Me: What?
3: The air
Me: Oh good, I was worried it was something I wouldn’t be able to fix
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
📂Years
└📁 2022
└📁 Good stuff
└⚠️ This folder is empty
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Each year I get invited to go on vacation with the same group of annoying people but I can’t say no because they’re my husband & children.
Marry the person who looks at you the way a Labrador looks at a tennis ball…obsessed, slightly crazed and probably drooling a little.
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
Krampus.
Wife: My mom is watching our kids for the night.
Me: Oh, baby. Do you know what we can do?
*falls asleep at 7 p.m.*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
My kid took out the trash without being asked so imagine my surprise moments later when he asked if he could spend $10 bucks on a video game.
A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
He lifts up my shirt only to have a full serving of broccoli fall out, steamed to perfection
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood