“Keep it in your pants,” I say, refusing to put my husband’s heavy key ring in my purse.
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There were times when there was only one set of prints in the sand, that was when I was out getting burritos
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
for some *ridiculous* reason the french love to translate movie titles from english to… english
here’s a thread with my all-time favorites, starting with “the hangover”
…i mean VERY BAD TRIP
hate when i type some normal shit like “i’m walking the dog” and my phone is like “did you mean: i’m🚶♂️the 🐶?” no i did not mean that because i am not the zodiac killer.
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
doctors: we recommend 7-9 hours of sleep every day
also doctors: time to work my third 24-hour shift this week
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
I got a spam email telling me my online reputation needs some work. And, now I want to know which one of you has been running your mouth.
Cop scrolling through photos on my phone: we’ve had complaints that you’re stalking…wait…these are all of me!
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
I’m writing Spider Ma’am, about a middle aged woman who gets bitten by a radioactive spider but keeps it to herself because she doesn’t freaking need this.
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
How to get ready for things :
1. Procrastinate for 5 hours
2. Panic 10 min before leaving
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
her: *tasting the punch* this is delicious, what’s your secret?
me: i added ginger
her: *laughing* my cat is called ginger
ginger: *wet meows*
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Why learn a second language, when you don’t have anything interesting to say in your first one?
Texts delivered by Bluetooth right to your wrist? Not on my watch.
Me, first day as homicide detective: Just as I suspected…it’s blood.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.