Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
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MY SON, LINK: How did you name us, Dad? Did you name me after your favorite video game hero?
MY DAUGHTER, PATTI: And me after your favorite art rock singer?
MY OTHER SON, GROUND: And me after your favorite surface for standing on?
ME: *swallowing sausage* Well see—
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
She said she didn’t want me to touch her with a ten foot pole. I said ma’am I’m flattered but it’s not that long.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
I tried to take a nap but I have a dachshund and a chihuahua.
Every library has something in it to offend everyone, and in this library that thing is probably me.
Waiting in the coffee drive-thru line impatiently watching the driver in front of me chatting with the barista and my 12 y/o sighs and says, “C’mon, lady, she’s not your therapist, move along.” Never get between a middle school girl and her Frappuccino.
My body is a temple
for potatoes.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
How can you still believe in astrology after hearing Mewtwo say that the circumstances of your birth are irrelevant
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
kanye west: beyoncé is the best there is & she’s one of the few true artists of our generation
me:
kanye:
me: how did u get in my room again
I was in Australia once and a newscaster said in the cutest accent that a swimmer was “taken” by a shark. I asked if that meant they died and my friend said, “Well yes, but no worries, it happens. Sharks do that.”
And that’s the most Australian thing I’ve ever heard.
Interviewer: And your references?
Me: 90’s television mostly.
Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.
Editor: What’s the first question every good reporter asks?
Reporter: Why did I major in journalism?
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
If I woke up today from a ten year coma and the first thing I saw was an ad for the new downton abbey movie I’d be like oh ok thank god. Looks like I was only out for a few months
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me: You come highly recommended, LOL
Drug dealer: *stabs me*
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.