Keep microwaving fish in the office and stop wondering why you never get a desk by the windows.
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If by “drink responsibly” you mean “buy the booze that’s on sale” then yes, I drink responsibly.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I don’t follow American politics much. Did Kanye win?
I don’t think it’s ever happened, but according to my dogs’ reactions, I’m assuming that, some dog, somewhere, at some time, has been sucked into a vacuum cleaner.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
We got two inches of snow last night and now I can’t find my Smart Car.
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
A new level of troll.
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
pictures of spider-man
Sorry I asked if your grandparents were part of the Halloween display at your house.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
My wife was cross when my 2yo broke a Chinese spoon this morning & I said it was “just Wonton destruction” & honestly it did not go down at all well.
This is why I need you lot, x
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
girlfriend: I’m sick of you having no sense of direction
me: where did that come from
I say at least five times a day “I need to lose weight.” I still haven’t lost an ounce, clearly the power of suggestion doesn’t work.