“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
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My boss says I’m not allowed to begin work emails saying “listen, you stupid f****rs” anymore
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Maybe Hitler started WWII after being constantly attacked by time travelers.
Telling my kids this is why dinosaurs went extinct
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Shout out to school music teachers everywhere who made a choice in life to get trapped in a room with 25 kids learning to play the recorder.
there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
Just bought a telescope and the eldest asked if I’d be doing horoscopes.
Yes.
Leo: You will be written out of someone’s will.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
*travels back in time to kill Hitler as a baby* *becomes known as time-traveling baby murderer & history’s greatest monster*
[kid, about to do something stupid]
ME: [sitting on couch] Anyone who gets hurt isn’t getting medical care until tomorrow.
You know you’ve leveled up after quarantine when your kid’s friends hear your fire alarm blaring through their headsets and say, “it’s ok, his mom’s just making dinner.”
Wife: Don’t you hate when you eat something that’s not very satisfying but it’s too late to eat something else?
Me: Too late?
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
I love lying on surveys. Your company is about to shit the bed so hard on its next marketing campaign
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*vows*
Groom: I love you so much, & publicly, in front of all our friends, I want everyone to know, Die Hard is in fact, a Christmas Movie!
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
After 17 years I can say with authority that the key to a long marriage is being too lazy to get up off the couch and set your spouse on fire
*puts “Baby on Board” sticker on car so people will think I’ve had the sex*
[flicks cigarette out window]
submarine captain: you fool!
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep