Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
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How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Sloth is a deadly sin and an animal.
How come we don’t have animals named after the other deadly sins?
Couldn’t find my protein shake this morning. I really had lost my whey.
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
some cats are just doing for fun!
I find a duck’s opinion of me is very much influenced by whether or not I have bread.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
noah’s google search history:
“wat is arc”
“why would god want circle segment”
“arc or ark”
“how many animals”
“5,000,000 x 2”
“is god real”
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
I just wish I had someone who wanted to touch me as much as my shower curtain does.
When you get a “Your Package Has Shipped” notification as soon as a shipping label is created that’s like the business equivalent of sending a “I’m walking out the door now!” text when you just got out of the shower.
did the people you had a crush on always like you back or are you funny?
Always get double toppings on take out pizza so you can eat one of the toppings off as an appetizer during your drive home.