keep reaching for the stars, kid:
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Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
I received a survey for a conference I didn’t attend, so I completed it as if I had attended and the conference had been attacked by dragons.
Don’t worry guys, my wife just turned the car radio down so we shouldn’t be lost much longer.
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
The date was going splendidly until my mom called and we argued over my curfew in front of her.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
You can have a child or you can have a phone charger. You can’t have both.
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
Jeopardy is petty. If you asked someone “What is snow?” No one would say: It’s doubtful an Eskimo would have Chionophobia, a fear of this.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
uncle dave has been through hell
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
How is it that tomato sauce can stay hot for 16 hours but bath water can only stay hot for 48 seconds?
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
If you’ve ever asked yourself, “what if Cartman grew up and became president?”, well…
It may just be the parasite talking, but I’m going to climb that super tall building over there and release all my spores.
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses