Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
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Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
[Date]
(don’t let her know you’re an alien larva)Her: I wonder where he is?
*I burst through her chest*
Me: Did you order yet? I’m starved
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
“Oh, you decided to close your bedroom door with me on the outside? Allow me to sing you the song of my people.”
-my cat
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
“What’s wrong with our country?”
OBAMA!
“Who are we going to reelect in 2012?”
OBAMA!
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
Thou shalt not commit adulthood
I should have used more oils to get this off easier..
I’m trying to jerk it off but it won’t come.
Honey, dinner is stuck to the pan.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Gen X: I open shoe boxes on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
“UGH. You know how fast the grass grows in the Spring,” she mowned.
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
[hospital]
Me: this knee surgery will be a breeze!
Nurse: you have a great attitude!
Me: well even my blood type is B Positive : )
Nurse: aw : )
[funeral]
My Widow: his blood type was not B Positive.
[In the beginning, God created the heavens and earth…]
EARTH: yo
GOD: what?
EARTH: send nudes
GOD: *creates Adam & Eve*
EARTH: nice
Saw a pregnant woman smoking today.
You can guess what I yelled at her.
Apparently she wasn’t pregnant after all.
You can guess what she yelled at me.