Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
You Might Also Like
I just ran a .003048K
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Planet of the Apps.
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Me: Being a healthy adult is getting a full 8hrs sleep
Boss: But not while you’re supposed to be working
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
[Eating wings]
Pilot: This is a bad idea
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
LOL
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
Hmm I don’t really wanna commit 2 hours to watching a movie
*watches 12 straight hours of a tv show on Netflix*
😳😳😳☕️☕️☕️☕️🤪🤪
How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
Kinda bullshit that alcohol isn’t considered a work expense, but ok
My 8yr just said we go together like biscuits and cream cheese. And I can’t tell if that’s a compliment or contradiction
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
[my husband turning onto our street]
“know what I think?”
husband: you don’t have to say it everytime.
“we’ve been down this road before”
Why font matters.
My newly married friend begins most sentences with, “My husband said.” My go to response is, “My dogs haven’t said much today.”
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.