Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
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got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
What kind of cheese do you pair with a rare bottle of ‘08 Lysol?
My haters can’t stand that instead of a sink I just have a drawer full of water
Still cracks me up
after my son won his soccer game, his teammate invited us over to celebrate. it was father, son, and the goalie host
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
Found this cool rock on a hike today so I brought it home
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
ABRAHAM: You didn’t get me anything for Father’s Day.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, let’s call it even.
ABRAHAM: I feel like you use that excuse a lot.
ISAAC: Well, you tied me to a rock and tried to murder me, so, probably gonna keep using it.
netflix: are you still watching
me: no
netflix: then can i watch what i want now
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
just tried to put my phone in my pocket when i was wearing a towel so things are going great
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart
me: i trained my dog to talk
her: let’s see
me: describe sandpaper
dog: ruff
me: the outer layer of a tree
dog: bark
her: this sucks
me: that little rapper guy
dog: bow wow
How you can tell a writer has no siblings:
“Hey, little bro / little sis.“
How you can tell a writer has siblings:
“Hey, loser. Mom called.”
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.