Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets
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[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens
ah yes, the Supreme Court
a regular court, but with diced tomatoes and sour cream
My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
So it turns out ghosting doesn’t work on credit card companies.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
Blanket apology to everyone I’ve begged to go camping after two drinks. It was too intense and I do not own a tent.
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners.
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby
Jehovah’s Witness: have you found god?
me: I’m not telling you, that’s cheating!
JW: excuse me?
me: that’s not how you play hide and seek, you’ve got to find him yourself!
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
The best thing about cycling 5 miles on a stationary bike is not having to cycle 5 miles back again.
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
Kids today: Find out school is cancelled via text
Me: Had to wake up at 5 a.m. and watch the bottom of the tv screen like the NFL Draft
ME [giving a PowerPoint presentation]: *points so hard*
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
Do I lie completely still during sex? Yes, but what makes me unique is I mutter “light as a feather, stiff as a board” while I do it.
Yelling at the kids to get ready for bed 35 minutes after I already put them to bed is how I function on cold medicine.
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.