Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

You Might Also Like


Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.


Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”


Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-


A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered


I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.


*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…


I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.


Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.