@ceejoyner

Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.

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@jctwritesstuff

Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.

Two words: No pants.

@lemmywinkler

Billion dollar idea.

A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”

@notacroc

Date: Lets break the ice.
Polar bear: break th-[shatters Coke bottle] BREAK THE ICE? What are you saying?!
D: I mea-
PB: THATS MY HOME LINDA

@T_Bonezzz_

A Library is a good place to get in a fight with ur girlfriend cuz its the only place u can get away with saying “Shhh” w/out being murdered

@Breadery

I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

@SirEviscerate

*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…

@TashyP_

I’m not going to make my daughter choose a religion, I’ll explain the differences & when the time comes she can choose either Marvel or DC.

@Shariv67

Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.