Keep yelling “dance!” and shooting at my feet, tough guy. I studied tap for 9 years and you’re going to look like an idiot.
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I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
You’re an open book?
“Throws you into a bonfire.”
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
Q: What’s the difference between a water bottle and puberty?
A: A water bottle has already hit Justin Bieber. #JustinBieber
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
I wrote a haiku about mansplaining for the Thursday contest and my husband offered to “look at it and make sure it fit the 5-7-5 format.”
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
DOCTOR STRANGE: We are on the event horizon of the future being sucked into the past. The reversal of all we know will be the end of all
DOCTOR NORMAL: I’m not sure strep throat is THAT bad
Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.
God: go forth and multiply
Me: I was told there would be no math.
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
My son is at that tender age where he believes me when I say that the dog ate the rest of the cookies out of the pantry.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
WIFE: I want u to be more spontaneous
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *hides in closet with goalie mask on waiting for her to walk by*
This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
3 has started saying “actually,” so now I have a tiny reply guy following me around all day
Babies look like old men. I told my newborn niece she was my sweet schmoopie angel and she told me to get off her lawn.
2 years later
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down