Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
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Airlines. Graciously giving you the choice to have feet, or a personal item, but not both.
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
Cops: Ma’am, put down the knife
Me: It’s murder monday
Cops: That’s not a real thing and also it’s Tuesday
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
I wonder how Jeff Bezos became the richest guy in the world.
– Me as I take 47 Amazon boxes out of the house
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
After just 1 hour of watching grandkids, my Fitbit called 911.
I was having sex with this woman for 10 minutes before I realized it was a man, and then for like 20 minutes after.
IT’S NOT A PHASE, DAD
Yesterday I went to the grocery store and I managed to come home without any junk food.
Now I’m mad that we don’t have any junk food.
Man: You’ve been very loyal but it’s best we part ways
Dog: I don’t understand. What’s the problem?
Man: Your talking kinda freaks me out.
when i was a kid we didn’t play house. we played courtroom. and let me tell you, i sent my fair share of teddy bears to the electric chair
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
(my first day in customer service)
Caller: I can’t understand you.
Caller’s wife: Omg that’s so rude! That’s her accent and she…
Me: *talking with huge bite of peanut butter sandwich in my mouth*
“Maweee ty ushin the ower off n on”
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
I really hope my 2 year old daughter is this difficult to get into bed when she’s 18
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Me, to myself: I am a strong and independent woman. I’m perfectly capable of doing things by myself.
Me, to my toddler: I’m calling Santa.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
I hope in the Top Gun sequel Goose’s ghost visits Maverick and they do pottery together.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*