Keep your friends close and your enemies under the front wheels of your vehicle.
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“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
My husbands pet name for me is “What did you do to the non-stick pan?”
Dingo: The dingo community is known for many other things
TV Host: What are cooking for us today?
Dingo: I’m making my famous baby coleslaw
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
I fired myself from cleaning my own house. I didn’t like my attitude, and I got caught drinking on the job.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Felony Insurance, like car insurance but for when you hate someone so much you just have to throw a cinder block through their windshield.
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
[during sex]
Him: punish me, baby
me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day*
Him: wait, stop
me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you
Him: *dies*
[Me at the gym]
Excuse me sir, does your little brother know you’re stretching out his shirts every day?
I don’t know what’s happening here, but I am definitely going to check it out.
Me “What are you doing to your tooth?!”
5 “Trying to pull it out.”
Me “That’s going to hurt.”
5 “I don’t care. I need the money.”
I like to imagine that the guy who
invented the umbrella was going to call
it the brella.But he hesitated.
I think I’m going to try to drink a half gallon of water a day for the next month to get a bit healthier, so if anyone knows any single men into water sports lemme know.
No weirdos.
The A string on my guit_r is flat
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state of the art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
THEM: Hey–
ME: Ring ring. I gotta take this.
THEM: I just watched you say “ring ring.”
ME: Ring ring. Yeah, this is really important.
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.