Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
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So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Her: Do you have any fantasies?
Me: Probably a ham sandwich that’s a metre long
Her: No I meant like hot ones
Me: Oh yeah I’d toast the bread
You really only have 2 options:
1. You can be miserable bc you’re fat
2. You can be miserable bc you’re hungry
my brain: i hate that person
that person: hey that thing you wrote was great
my brain: they do have a lot of redeeming qualities
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
*buys a 3D printer*
*prints a 3D printer*
*returns 3D printer for a refund*
I just sung Mariah Carey’s “Hero” to myself because it seems no one else in this house can put a new roll of toilet paper on the thing.
Fell on the stairs and I’m happy to report that my dog immediately came to rescue… the empty can of cat food in my hand.
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
Based Erika
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
[listening to twenty one pilots]
ME: ok ok one at a time
I left her for one minute to use the bathroom. One minute.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
A fun way to get exercise is grab a chainsaw and chase a hiker.
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
*peeks under bathroom stall*
How’s the wifi signal in there?
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
Christina Aguilera named her baby girl “Summer Rain.”
I wish I was named after a Glade® air freshener scent.
[goes to museum of fine art]
“Just how fine can this art be, anyway”
[sees a vase in a thong]
“oh damn”
*first day as a vegan*
“Yes, I’ll have the ribeye medium rare, extra vegan please!”
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
In a parallel universe somewhere, all the Pumpkin Spice Lattes are getting really excited for White Girl season at Starbucks.
Thoughts and prayers to all the parents of kids who are right now deciding to change their minds and ask Santa for something different even though Santa already got the first thing and Santa is out of money and patience