Keep your friends close and your flamethrower closer.
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During cavity search:
Whoa buddy! What part of “friend zone” don’t you understand?
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
At last…. a TV interview that tackles the real issues (Andrew Weldon)
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
*knuckle tats*
M A Y O N N A I S E
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
i love banana bread you just buy a bunch of bananas and then ignore them for a while and finally you’re like ok u will be bread now
My mom spent so much of our trip saying “your generation doesn’t read” she didn’t get to touch her book
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Whoever can shoo the lizard out is the alpha in your house
“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Catercrombie & Fish
I was doing well on my diet until I got my period and had to eat four pieces of pizza, a block of cheese, two candy bars, and seven houses.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
A existential ship hitting an iceberg is called a Whytanic.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
First they came for the people who loaded the dishwasher incorrectly & I did not speak out.
Because they do my head in.
Wife: Been a long time since we went on a vacation.
Me: Great idea. Where do you wanna go?
Wife: Some place romantic. Paris.
Me: Ok. And I’ll go to Thailand.
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
Me: “Hey doc, what’s that condition where you wake up and everything hurts?”
Doctor: “40”