Keep your friends close and your m&ms closer.
Or something like that.
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A spider just watched me open a pickle jar and then it committed suicide.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The number of people I have accidentally assaulted while talking with my hands is less than fifty, probably.
Definitely less than a hundred.
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
Stop bringing shitty Bluetooth speakers on hikes. No one came to the woods to hear you listen to Katy Perry
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
A polite way to signal to your guests that it’s time to leave is to start the dishwasher, turn off all the lights, and go brush your teeth.
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
[Gets soccer schedule, 8am Saturday games]
*Tells junior he didn’t make the team*
If you eat a pot brownie and a Ken doll, you’ll poop a Matthew McConaughey.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
cop: looks like the groom was murdered by his best man
detective: so you’re saying it was a *removes sunglasses* homiecide
cop: I don’t get it
detective: bc you have no friends, neil
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
[at a store]
Me: What can you tell me about those sunglasses?
*sunglasses loudly arguing about politics*
Clerk: Well, they’re polarized
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Experts say we may be as little as two days away from finally leaving the March Age. The next epoch is provisionally being called “April,” and is also expected to last 5-10 million years.
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*