Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
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[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
I support this random dude and all his protests
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Yep.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
Day 16,607:
Still not stuck on a deserted island, and beginning to lose hope
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
Never understood why people train their dogs to sit pretty or roll over when there are useful tricks like empty the dishwasher or fold the laundry.
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
My week is basically:
Monday
Monday #2
Monday #3
Monday #4
Friday
Saturday
Pre-Monday
If I say “Bloody Mary” three times in the mirror in the dark I get a free drink, right?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
I keep banana skins within reach at work because you never know when you’re going to need to make a murder look like an accident.
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If denial isn’t a skill, how can my brain convince me that I can reach in my purse with wet nails and it’s going to be be fine?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
My wife set up a spycam and found out my sons “speech impediment” was from 5 years of me talking to him in Borat voice while she was at work
You know what goes great with helping your kid with math homework?
Vodka
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
You’re an adult now. Stop lying about your life on Facebook and start doing it on LinkedIn
Pronounces Canada like armada and i’m not from there so obviously i’m not sorry.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.