keep your Glenns Close and your Glennemies Closer
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I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
All of my friends are getting married and loving their careers and then there’s me, luring wayward ships into the rocks with ethereal songs.
I really hope that people are staring at me because they think I’m pretty and not because I slipped on ice and into a parked car.
Isn’t
Me: Phone a friend
Judge: That’s not how this works
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Me: I saved $2000 remodeling the bathroom [flexes muscles].
Her: Did you add the hospital visit?
Me:
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I usually take an afternoon nap
Interviewer: what? why?
Me: have to sober up for the drive home
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
I just texted a friend a super hilarious meme and all he did was give it a thumbs up. I’ve never been more angry.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
12: Can I have $20?
Me: I think you mean borrow
12: I don’t think that’s what I mean
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
[throwes some foam packing peanuts into a pond]
“HEY! NO LITERING–”
shh wait
[a flock of rubber duckies float over squeaking excitedley]
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
Don’t wait for later to eat the cake. Do it now, before another mammal of your household finds it
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
What’s this sorcery? 😂
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
Me: Bless me father for I have sinned…
Priest texting me back: I already told you, I’m not absolving u of your sins unless you come in.