{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
You Might Also Like
Hot housemate: I miss my boyfriend
Me: The doctor?
Her: He never comes over anymore
Me *smiling at my room full of apples* yeah it’s so weird
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
If you say “it’s twelve noon,” I assume you eat cow beef and didn’t do well at education school
My birthstone is a marshmallow.
There is no bond greater than the mutual respect of two former high school friends who refuse to friend each other on Facebook.
Forget spiders, I’ve incidentally consumed at least a kilo of dog hair.
I distinctly remember back in January saying “I wish I could spend more time home.”
To all of you I deeply apologize for not saying “world peace”.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
Wife: You’re so lucky, I’m like a trophy wife!
Me: Wow, I’d hate to see what they gave to the second place guy.
bought an eggplant, imma grow my own eggs
[trying extremely hard not to say it]
deviled egg nog
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
live long and prosper!
A “Mouse potato” is someone who spends a lot of time at a computer.
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
Banking tips
Gym memberships are for people who don’t have toddler toys all over the house to pick up.
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
Facebook is down, so don’t say prayer doesn’t work.
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
Getting up very early in the morning is a dawn thing task
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there