@MaverickGames

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

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@Contwixt

I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.

@mynameisntdave

GUY: I dare you
ME: no
G: I double dog dare you
ME: no
G: I TRIPLE dog dare you!
ME: [realizing if I keep this up ill get a lot of dogs] no

@markedly

31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.

@LindaInDisguise

Me: My weight is up. I really hate winter.

Him: Don’t be discouraged. You’ll bounce back in spring once you shave your legs.

@UmarMaj

Three steps to start a relationship.

1- buy a sheep
2- name it “relation”
3- now you have a relationsheep.

@bestvibess

Black Friday through the years:

2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July

@karanbirtinna

You ever in a public place and overhear something and look around to see if the person looks as stupid as they sound?

@KevinLSchwartz

The U.S. has more prisons than degree-granting colleges. How absurd. To fix that, we should merge some prisons and split up some colleges.

@SteveKoehler22

Hey big accounts –

What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?

My cat would be dead before I got 50

@Cornjerker78

Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?

5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?