@MaverickGames

Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

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@Beatonm5

Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make
●︿●

@TheToddWilliams

Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes

@JimmerThatisAll

“Can I be honest with you?”

“Yes.”

“You don’t know me at all do you?”

@XplodingUnicorn

I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.

@DiamondLou69

If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.

@TheWoodenslurpy

One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.

@Cpin42

me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.

5:

Me:

5: How much blood?

@fightforfood

I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much

@funflaps

why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane