Ke$ha in different currencies:
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd

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Watching the end credits of a movie so you can take note of the producer & director and never ever watch anything else that they make


Prince Charming: I will awaken her with love’s sweet ki–
Sleeping Beauty: five more minutes


“Can I be honest with you?”


“You don’t know me at all do you?”


I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.

It was called Dungeons and Dragons.


If the band Toto, drummer Tommy Lee & singer Marvin Gaye ever got together and made an album…

…I’m pretty it would be Toto Lee Gaye.


One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.


me: we named you after our favorite films

paul blart: i hate you

wife: you should be proud of your names

paul blart 2: you’re monsters


5-year-old: Dad! Dad! My sister-

Me: Stop tattling. I don’t want to hear about it unless there’s blood.



5: How much blood?


I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much


why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane