[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”
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The only thing that could have made Coyote Ugly better would have been a few ceiling fans.
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
Me:*smashes car window to rescue baby*
Her:”WTF I was getting the stroller from the trunk!”
Me:”Yeah, but you had Coldplay on the radio.”
If a mass murderer on death row ordered a Klondike Bar for his last meal I bet it would explain a lot.
“No son of mine is going to spend his entire day playing video games!” I tell everyone on various social media sites.
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
Well, I’m going to take a hot shower. Its like a regular shower, but with me in it.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Me 5pm: Need to go easy on the booze tonight, have to function tomorrow.
Me 1am: *twerking in a Denny’s parking lot.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
What Geico said: We just saved you 15% on your car insurance.
What I heard: You should go shopping.
You all think your dad’s cargo shorts are lame until you need to smuggle some Reese’s Pieces into the movie theater.
I’m seriously considering taking up falconry. Someone pisses me off? BAM! Falcon, right in the face.
Lois : Clark, are those binoculars?
Clark Kent : Yes, I can’t find my glasses.
Lois : Put them down for a second.
Clark :
Lois :
Clark : No
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Interview]
Boss: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m a risk taker
B: Can you give an example?
M: *Passionately kisses boss*
B: omg
I keep having this dream where an old, floating man with a giant, white beard is commanding me to build a giant hazmat suit, big enough to contain my entire family and two of every animal of the world. Wierd, I know!
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY