Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Missed garbage day today if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
I don’t trust the so-called “mainstream media.” I get news from ouija boards and an angry owl living in the woods on the outskirts of town.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
Shes a 10 but moves things with her mind
She’s 11.
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
For the umpteenth time- no, I can’t count
A great way to make people nervous is to tell them where the bathroom is without their asking.
Back in the old days you had to settle for someone within a 50 mile radius to love. Now with social media the whole world can disappoint you.
Americans 1776: We’re going to fight for Revolution!
Americans 1939: We’re going to fight for world peace!
Americans 2020: We’re going to fight for toilet paper!
I don’t think people in real life will recognize me from my avi. Usually when they see me, I’m not wearing sunglasses or clothes.
Only a mother’s love …
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The “you’ve hit the maximum limit for direct messages in a single day” pop-up alert — but for work emails.
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
Not arguing with people in 2024, I’m just gonna say “it makes sense that you would think that”
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work