Ken is short for chicken
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me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Mom: I think I’ll name her Jenny.
Dr: I’m sorry, that name is already taken, but you can name her jenny_2828
“The first rule of Fight Club is: You do not talk-”
*Greg burps*
“-actually, you know what, Greg? It’s manners. The first rule is manners.”
“I need to print something from my phone.”
“There are a couple ways we can try to do that.”
“I’d like to pick the way that will take the most time, with the most opportunities for user error and the lowest probability of customer satisfaction.”
“That is the most popular option.”
The last time I tried something new, I had another child @funTweeters @brookeG105
Welcome to Starbucks how may I help you?
“Regular coffee with cream please”
That’s $40, 5ml of unicorn tears, and 10 dragon scales.
“TEN?”
Therapist: You need to stop doing weird things, going out might help
Me: I went to the park today
Therapist: There you go! I hope you got something from that
Me *opens coat* this duck
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
can’t bark with your mouth full
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
[invention of Moist Towelette]
So, we’ve got a product that everyone will use, now let’s give it a name nobody wants to say
Logged into Facebook.
‘Happiness is like a butterfly….’
Logged out of Facebook.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
a segment like “celebrities read mean tweets” but instead it’s professors reading course evaluations written by students who failed their class
Ok I just need to think like a 39-year-old
-my 6yo, trying to find the Halloween candy I hid
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
There wasn’t WiFi in the days of Julius or Augustus Caesar. Back then gladiators scrolling Twitter would routinely have to pay Roman charges.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
Watched a guy buy several single bananas at various stages of ripeness (instead of a bunch). Realized I was in the presence of genius.
Take it easy, Officer. You act like you’ve never seen a woman with a car full of penguins before.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
Toddler: I won’t eat that lovingly prepared, absolutely delicious, gourmet meal because it’s yucky
Also Toddler: Eats 5 week old goldfish cracker from car seat and cries for more
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?