Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
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“Trust issues? HAHAHAHAHA”
–Pluto, the former planet
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
me: I invited my boss to dinner
her: I thought you hated him
me: I didn’t have any choice
my boss: should I leave?
So you think the sloth is the slowest land mammal in the world? Let me introduce you to my 4 year old when he needs to get ready for bed
Me: Shhhhh. Keep it quiet…I’ll slip out of bed and find you around 3:00 am.
Leftover Pie:
Night terrors are cool and all, but why wait?
Them: You need to get a sense of humor.
Me: You need to say something funny.
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
So as far as I can tell, the Metaverse is just Animal Crossing but you’re being hunted by Mark Zuckerberg.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
Me: I spy with my little eye something beginning with i
Other Titanic lookout: hmmm
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Matt Lauer lost his job.
Charlie Rose lost his job.
Mark Halperin lost his job.
Glenn Thrush lost his job.
Billy Bush lost his job.
Harvey Weinstein lost his job.
Kevin Spacey lost his job.
But in politics…
Conyers still in Congress.
Moore still running.
Trump still President.
[driving] Goddamn pedestrians
[walking] Goddamn drivers
[both] Goddamn cyclists
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over
Careful, the circular motion you make with your hand to tell someone to roll down their car window is giving away your age.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
Smile for the camera. Laugh for the pencil sharpener. Dance for the refrigerator
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.