Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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I am yelling
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
Archeologist 1: Remember the whole Mayan calendar scare in 2012?
A2: I do.
A1: I found an addendum on back of the calendar.
A2: I can’t read it. What does it say?
A1: It says, “sry, chisel-o. Apocalypse in 2021. My bad.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
If your baby takes the morning train and works from nine to five, and then takes another home again, man, that is one self-sufficient infant.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
the original name for the ps5 was pspspspsps but it kept attracting cats
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Friend: Are you growing your hair out?
Me: I have no idea. Honestly, I never thought I’d live this long
You should be allowed to take your own food to KFC and have them kentucky fry it for you.
When someone accuses me of making up a word I severely chastigate them.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: no sir
My Parrot: hell yea I love driving 86 mph without a seatbelt! my name is phil jamesson
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
me, to me: babe are you ok? you’ve hardly touched your resolutions from last year
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
dresses with pockets are great for parties because it’s like having two built-in doggie bags. 8 cookies, 4 taquitos, and 7 fancy crackers for later? don’t mind if I do
Kill them with kindness, you say?
*slowly and sadly puts down bazooka*
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
Me, filling out a gym membership: I dropped my pen. Can I have another?
Trainer: Can’t you just pick that one up?
Me: If I were in good enough shape to go around picking up pens all willy nilly I wouldn’t be here