Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Cop: You already had your phonecall now state your name for the tape or you’re going to jail
Ivana Fonekaal: [looks at lawyer]
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Your name is just a compromise. It’s the one both your parents didn’t hate.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
[first date]
him, a cop: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
Invasion? No, the Aliens are here for an Intervention.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
I tried to pause the baby monitor when my baby woke up early from a nap instead of the Netflix show I was watching. It didn’t work.
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
Guy asked if I put him in the friend zone. I was like, whoa slow down there. I’ll have sex with you, but friendship is a serious commitment.
Don’t frighten the programmers!
I fed the neighborhood cat cheaper cat treats and now she’s meowing Sarah McLachlan songs in my back yard.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
*Tries new coffee with 300% more caffeine*
“It’s okay. Can’t feel a difference.”
[5 minutes later]
*Throws refrigerator out window*
If you want to catch a bus you have to *think* like a bus.
When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.