Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Packing in my 20s: Toothbrush and bikini
Packing in my 30s: Those things plus a swim suit cover up, 3 face creams, hair products to cover up postpartum hair loss, spanks, sensible shoes, and denture cream.
abolish “let me know if you have any questions” in emails
if someone has a question, I do not want to know
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
I told my vodka about you.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Seems kinda suspicious
i aint a magician but i gotta couple twix up my sleeve
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Best way to get a girl to come home with you is to tell her you own 3 lava lamps seriously what girl wouldn’t want to see 3 lava lamps
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
cop: I pulled you over for playing ’WAP’ at full volume
me: is there a law against it?
cop: not really, but you’re driving a hearse in a funeral procession
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
[first day as a self defense teacher]
Me: who knows how to get out of a headlock?
Kid who has me in a headlock: shut up
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
A good friend is like a four leaf clover: sometimes you accidentally run them over with a lawnmower
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
is nasa ok
Ask your doctor if your dominant hand is right for you
Boyfriend’s on the phone talking to a guy about lattes and his love of peach scones.
I’m on the couch wondering when our periods synced.
3 wishes for when I find a genie:
1. The more I eat the skinnier I get
2. One kid grows up to be a pharmacist
3. Other kid owns a winery
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*