Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
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Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
Me: I want you to have this bracelet. it belonged to my grandmother.
Her: why does it say “do not resuscitate”
Me: I’m not delusional.
Squirrel: There she goes again.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
No kid, you don’t have it hard. When I was a kid we had to eat without camera phones.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
[blind date]
Her: so do you go on a lot of dates?
Me: *sucking the gravy from my plate* a lot of first ones.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
“I knew he was the murderer when I saw him on the dance floor,” Holmes said. “You see, Watson, guilty feet have got no rhythm.”
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“My first wife didn’t have a gag reflex”
Wow that’s amazing
“Yeah she never laughed at any of my jokes”
According to the scale at my gym, all I’ve lost so far is 300 dollars.
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I finally got my first interview since moving to the US. Almost able to say something more romantic to the GF than “you’re out of batteries”
Me: this movie sucks
Boss: for the LAST time, this is a ZOOM. MEETING!
wife: The school called. Guess why?
[flashback to me telling my son every answer on his math homework was 69]
me: Why?
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
“honey, I can’t wait to do missionary later!” *Gets excited* *Wife leaves for third world country-helps many*