Kermit goes Blue.
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Whenever I miss my ex I think about the things I didnt like about him… Like his hairy behind and his wife.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Officer: Did u know your back light is out
Me: I don’t know if you noticed… I’m inside the car. You had a bit of an advantage
Someone should open a bar called “The Gym”, so when I tell people where I’m going, it won’t be a lie.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
Come back with a warrant
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
I love when you stroke my ego.
My ego is inside my panties.
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
People on Facebook really lose their shit when you comment on their hospital check ins with ‘Glad you’re not too sick to post your status’
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
my son is also my best friend (huge mix up at the adoption agency)
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Y’all know who you are.
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.
Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.