*kermit plays slayer on his banjo. a marsh pit breaks out*
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Me: So tired. So weak. Is this the coronavirus?
My body: The only vegetable you’ve had in weeks was on a pizza.
Me: Why me? I’m so young, so new to this earth
Body: You slept 20 total hours last week.
Me: Oh mortality, so cruel, so dark.
Body: Maybe drink water? Just once
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
This Easter, please take a moment to remember Jesus and his inspiring message for mankind:
Mom said I should only date “a good man” and I was like HEAVENS TO BETSY I WISH I HAD KNOWN THIS PERTINENT INFORMATION BEFORE NOW.
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
triple bad room means you have to sleep with the owner’s grandma. who likes her feet rubbed. with butter.
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
a panty hose is what firemen use when there’s a fire at a Victoria’s Secret (i’m so sorry have a great thanksgiving)
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Sometimes I vacuum not because I need to vacuum, but because I want my kids to leave me alone
There was a time I thought Radiohead was saying “I’m a creep, I’m a widow” and one day I heard someone sing the right word and well, only a freakin’ weirdo would think widow makes sense there, right.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
X: I hate when the cat just stands like that, frozen. Why does he do that?
Me: He’s on paws.
X: …
Me: 😁 On… paws.
X: I hate you so much.
[Comes home and wife is laying in bed with Another Man]
“Hey”
Hi
“Can I ask you something?”
Yup
“Why’d you name the dog ‘Another Man’ babe?”
Him: When I told you the chicken was good, I lied.
Me: That’s okay. I lied when I said it was chicken.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
I gave up going to work for lent.
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
WIFE: wtf did u spend $13,000 on at walmart?
ME: [brushing my zebra] he just walked by the scanner and i couldn’t put him back
friend: [texting] i’m gonna be late
me: *1 week later* for what?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN