kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
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Be a parent so you can say fun things like, “Can you please stop petting the ChickfilA trashcan?”
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
I’m weird but not “sit around the house with my shirt tucked in even though I’ve got no plans to leave” weird. That shit’s 4 serial killers.
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
I got a new vacuum but I can’t vacuum because I don’t want to dirty my new vacuum so yeah I know a thing or two about grown up problems
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
DATE: dessert?
MY BRAIN: im full
MY STOMACH: i want food
DATE: one piece of chocolate wont hurt
MY DOG: THAT MAN IS TRYIMG TO KILL MY OWNER
my landlord still demanding physical checks like can you not exploit me here in the digital age…
Running Up That Hill by Kate Bush plays as the camera pans to me chasing an ice cream truck in my flip flops.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Me: pew pew…pew pew pew
Guy at next urinal: Please stop
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
watching the kids play hide and seek in the park and mine just hid behind a chain link fence
at least we don’t have to save for college
My husband left me on read and it’s been 22 minutes.
If he wanted a divorce he could have just asked me like a rational human being.
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
If I got a nickel when someone called me an old soul,
I could buy a hot dog, french fries, a large coke, fill up my gas tank and still have enough left over to get a ticket to the baseball game
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
Hello consequences, my actions went that way.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
How long can one listen to a kid talk before it’s officially considered a hostage situation?